The Vapors

  Read any book about the Deep South in the days before the Civil      War, and you will surely find that some lady, usually of genteel background, had suffered from an attack of the “vapors” at one time or another. In many cases, the attack was so severe that they were required to “take to their bed” for an extended period. The exact cause of this malady was never explained; however, I arrived at the conclusion that it had something to do with shock or astonishment since it usually followed an announcement from a daughter that she was keeping company with a young swain who lacked the proper breeding which their station in life demanded.

Although I am far removed from the aristocracy of the plantation owner set, it nevertheless caused me concern that a little of this disorder could perhaps have made its way through the generations, and therefore be responsible for my many aches and pains.

Turning to the dictionary for guidance in my pursuit of the meaning of the dreaded ailment, the best I could come up with was, “exhalations of the stomach believed to be harmful to one’s health, hypochondria or depressed spirits.” Delving deeper, I discovered that exhalations means, “something exhaled, as air, steam, or an ODOR.” At last, here is the diagnosis for milady’s problem. She was simply suffering from gas pains. Come to think of it, this COULD have been passed down through the generations.

The thing that troubles me most is the fact that this affliction is only mentioned following some extreme tribulation. Were these sophisticated souls not affected by pinto beans or sweet potatoes? And, why take to their beds? It would seem to me that fresh air would be more of a solution than the confinement of a bedroom.

Nothing is said about the rank and file members of society suffering from this illness. Perhaps they were immune since their physical makeup was not as delicate as the nobility.

Getting back to my aches and pains. Whether or not a touch of the “vapor” genes have been passed down leaves room for question. However, please allow me to make one thing perfectly clear. If I suddenly leave the room during a conversation, you may be sure that I do this for a very good reason.

Demijon